Hey readers, i hope life is treating you well enough and that you are reading good books out there. It’s been a hot minute since i last posted and boy do i miss it! In all honesty, it’s been quite the struggle lately. Today’s post is gonna be real messy but very real. Writing has always been a passion of mine and lately, with the world literally going to shit, my personal life being a crazy roller coaster ride and my mental health dropping faster than i can keep up with, i’ve decided to just sit down and write. No inspiration, no topics, just letting things out for the sake of just writing.
BOY where to start? 2020 has been a wild ride. Many tears have been shed, i’ve laughed and bonded with many amazing people. I’ve lost some friends and gained some. Been through loss and grief a couple of times. I’ve come to terms with who i am in terms of my identity and what i want in life. I’ve had many debates with myself, asking myself so many questions and spending sleepless nights wondering about the meaning of it all. Its been a spiral of thoughts these last few months and without a doubt, one starts feeling nauseous after spinning for so long. This is where i am right now. I’ve stopped spinning, but it still feels like the world is moving faster than it should.
Talking about the world, it been through hell and im not sure we’re back yet. Many people have suffered in 2020 and unfortunately rhe humankind has a whole as a lot to do before we can call justice on this planet. I’ve spent a good portion of the last few weeks educating myself on The Black Lives Matter movement and how to better myself as an ally to the community, hopefully you guys are doing the same. If not, then consider this your wake up call. Everyone can and needs to do better.
Okay so the update, let’s start with the good; This past year i’ve met new people, made new friends online AND in real life (i know right? who is she?). Some of these people are now super close to my heart and super important to me.
I’ve fallen in love with music again, started singing again and started *contemplating* -still in the thinking phase- relearning the piano and ukulele. I’ve found something in music i thought i had lost forever; a connection to vibration and sound, a language with no words.
I’ve read many great books (future post to come), worked on my writing quite a bit, not as much as i would have wanted to in terms of quantity but quality is getting noticeably better every week.
I’ve also been places, ate good food, shared stories, traveled, made memories and smiled a whole fucking lot lately but those smiles and laughs didn’t come at no cost.
In 2020, i’ve faced demons from my past. I’ve had to share stories i’ve never shared before and aren’t quite ready yet to share to the entire internet. I’ve had to let my walls down and face the reality of things. I’ve cried and spent many sleepless night wondering about the meaning of life thinking about the pain and traumas i’ve been trough. Asking myself why, looking for answers and only finding questions. I spent nights wondering if its all been worth it, thinking about the reason being everything, wondering if reason even exists. It’s been a rough fall. I’ve given so much of myself the past year, always helping those around me, taking care of everyone and all giving my all when in reality i was forgetting to take care of myself. Falling back into old habits, bad coping mechanism, patterns of thinking, lots of anxiety, control and obsessions.
Without sharing all the details, these last few months have been difficult to say the least. I thought i had patched holes and fixed problems so easily in the past only to discover that a rose needs to be watered more than once.
Now i’m slowly but surely getting back on my own two feet. Surrounding myself with amazing people who give me all the support and love i need. Without those gems in my life, i would not be where i am today so shoutout to you all who are amazing beyond words. I know the road ahead of me isn’t an easy one but i’ve climbed higher mountains and know i will get to the other side of this one just fine.
On this note, here’s to reading many great books for the remaining of 2020, to writing beautiful stories, making memories and hopefully, being a bit more active on this blog that i love and cherish.
until next time, xoxoxoxo
The world still needs your signature.
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For more information on how to help visit https://blacklivesmatter.com
seven late night thoughts with zoe 
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